Trans 101: Sex with a Neo-Vagina


Yesterday we celebrated Trans Day of Visibility, and I have been nothing but grateful, inspired, and moved by the folks who have fought and are still fighting for rights, equality, and visibility.


I'm approached often about exploring sexuality as trans folk, and what someones experience may be like. If there's one thing about me that is certain, it's that I don't cover topics unless I am educated in them or experienced in them. While I have done plenty of gender and sexuality studies, I have never lived the experience of our trans community, nor will I pretend to understand.


I asked my amazing friend Jade if she would educate us surrounding her journey with gender and sexuality as a post op trans woman. In my years of education, I rarely learned and heard the intimate details of ones experience- let alone the inner workings of dysphoria, having a Neo-Vagina, and the ever evolving experience of sexuality through SRS. I am so thankful to Jade for her vulnerability, honesty, and education that she is providing not only to me, but to anyone who may be in her shoes.




Jade, thank you for letting me interview you! Tell us a little about yourself and what you'll be educating us on today.



Hi there, my name is Jade and I’m here to share some insight on sex as a post-operative transwoman. Before we dive into sex on the first date (wink wink), I figured it would be best to get to know me just a little bit. I do not have many hobbies aside from long distance running and being an avid festival goer (about 2 a month). Festivals provide great escapism through music and friendship; I’ve met some of the most beautiful souls through these adventures. However being an ambivert, when I’m not dancing to funky beats, I find myself in solitude at home reading about mental health or astrology. I find the stars captivating and while not a “proven” science it’s interesting to see synonymity between ancient cultures, predictions, personalities (i.e. horoscopes) etc and the astrological realm. With that being said let’s dive into something I feel the world could gain some insight on and let’s get to know me on a deeper level, if you know what I mean: Sex with a Neo-Vagina.


You've had an inspiring journey when it comes to your transition, I especially love your Trans 101 segments. Could you give an overview of your transitional journey?


My journey started really young, I first recognized I was different during my toddler years. Being told I could not play with girls toys was really confusing to me but I insisted on being drawn to things more “feminine”. The decision to transition was quite bold considering I did it on a whim. I was 14 at the time and shopping with a new friend of mine. She was androgynous at the time and convinced me that a pair of heels and some slacks from the women's section would be a “diva” thing to wear. I remember the joy I felt trying on this pair of hot pink metallic snakeskin pointy toed pumps. My soul, was sold to say the least. My mother was not very happy about my decision but I walked out of the house frightened yet proud at the same time. From that moment forward I started including women’s clothing into my wardrobe.


When I was 17 I decided to start hormone replacement therapy, this was unbeknownst to my parents. I found a doctor that worked without insurance and used my allowance to pay for the initial visit and that doctor helped me find a compound pharmacy that offered discounts. I continued to pay for my hormone replacement therapy via grants and student aid I was awarded through school. At 18 I decided to change my name and gender marker on my documents. The name change was easy, as was the gender marker on my driver’s license but I had to wait until I had a physical sex change to change federal documents (passport, etc).


The next big step for me was breast augmentation. I felt like this would help push my transition a little further. I did my research on doctors and thankfully one of the best in the nation was in my city. I had so much confidence after surgery and I do not have one single regret about it.


Even though I made it far in my transition I still felt incomplete, inadequate. My gender dysphoria was still very strong so I sought out to get “the” surgery: Sex-Reassignment Surgery. It was a long process, from the letters, to scheduling, all of the testing, and the recovery. Making this decision at such a young age was frightening but I felt it was necessary. I have zero regrets.


What has inspired you to be so open, honest, and powerful in sharing your journey?


Being “transparent” was never easy. I enjoyed living my life being stealth; I felt safe, private, and could go about my day in ease. With that being said I always had this lingering feeling of “do they know?” or “am I obvious?". I came out to the world as a means to liberate myself and share my knowledge with others as a means to inspire hope in others like me. I still struggle with being out to this day; all I have ever wanted all of my life is to be “normal” so feeling labeled as trans kicks up dysphoria. I did take a step back, because my dysphoria sky rocketed...the response to me coming out was overwhelming.


When growing up, how did you explore your sexuality?


I did not explore my sexuality easily, if at all. Me being “born in the wrong body” made it really hard for me to even want to be sexually active. I was always ashamed of my body and myself. On the contrary, I was always a sexualized being: my mind was in the gutter, and the way I was dressed very “sexy” (I guess this was a means to compensate for my feeling of lacking in being female).


One thing was and still is for sure: men. In my head, this made me a straight woman. When I did start to give into exploring the idea of sex I often found myself giving peers who were “straight” blow jobs. I was forced to keep it a secret. It fucked with me to say the least; being some jerk’s experiment definitely took its toll on my self esteem. Even in my first relationship my boyfriend kept me a secret and thus it became normalized for me and willingly losing my virginity was no longer special since i was manipulated into thinking it never happened.


After I had SRS I began to rapidly explored sex. I almost felt like I was set free and could use my entire body rather than limit myself. I felt like a virgin all over again...technically I was in a sense. The sex change allowed me to be more submissive in bed as before I was far more dominant; being in control helped me feel comfortable in bed.


As a trans woman, what do sexuality and gender mean to you?


Sexuality is about attraction. Most people have this concept that “I’m attracted to men” or “I like women'' means “I’m attracted to penis/vagina” but fail to realize attraction goes beyond genitalia . Being trans has really opened my eyes to this. It’s not really a “man” or a “woman” they are attracted to, but the representation of their ideas of what masculine or feminine are...perhaps a combination of the two. As humans we are attracted to features, to “types”, even so this goes deeper than appearances and dives into over all connection. Sexuality is who makes us tick. I have seen it first hand with men who never knew they could be attracted to a “girl like me”.



Gender is just an identifier to me. In this day and age, there is more than blue and pink. Which is a little ironic to me because I worked hard and strived to be team pink. Gender is feeling, being. Gender, is a spectrum. I happen to feel I fall on the very end of the “female” side of the spectrum, while some other people feel to fall in a neutral place. At the end of the day the term gender is just a label.




Through your transition, how did your sexuality evolve?


The older I got the more comfortable I became and broke out of my deep seeded discomfort with sex. I was always uncomfortable with my male genitalia being touched so I RARELY ever experienced an orgasm with a partner until I met my, at the time, fiance.


I grew to love other forms of foreplay and anal. Kissing and giving oral was a favorite of mine. I think because I delayed my own sexual pleasure and submitted to males desires (fetishism) I grew a heightened sense of pleasure from the idea that men fetishized me and being with a trans woman. It made me feel powerful and instead of using the fetish as an insult I used it as a means for control. Being on top and riding in the bedroom allowed me to minimize feeling discomfort.


Anal became a favorite of mine and I loved a solid prostate orgasm. Anal play, was one of my only ways to get off it helped me feel more feminine and I learned so much about it especially considering I cut myself off of frontal play due to dysphoria. “Topping” was never an option to me. Playing the “male role” just was not what girls did.


However some things changed when I met my, now ex, fiance and I experienced “cumming” from my ‘princess’, as we would call it, regularly. Sure I had previously (very few times) with other partners but it was never comfortable. Somehow receiving pleasure from my birth organ no longer seemed awkward as I figured it was just another means of pleasure. I am very grateful that I was able to explore that part of myself with someone before I had SRS.


Could you give us a brief overview of your SRS experience?


Sex reassignment surgery was very scary. Never being able to cum again was a HUGE risk. Being without orgasms was familiar so it was a risk I was willing to take. If this is important to other trans women, I definitely would do research on doctors who have a high success rates with patients who maintain post operative orgasms. Also expect that vaginal depth could be affected and if you are someone who anticipates putting your vagina to use then again, doctor expertise is essential.


When choosing my own doctor appearance, depth, sensation, and lastly orgasm were important to me, in that order. Being beautiful and inviting had the highest ranking for me...I wanted a pretty pussy above all else. While I know all vaginas are different, post-op vaginas range highly. Some doctors have a two step process which means a cavity is created and in surgery two the lips are created. I chose a doctor that did a one step process and created both in one go. If you don’t plan on using your vagina a doctor can create only external parts too.


Functionality was second on my list, I wanted to be able to be penetrated vaginally so I needed to be accommodating. While I initially was not that deep I stretched myself out using the set of dilators provided to me through my doctor. Losing a lot of sensation can happen, a doctor is rearranging anatomy down there and nerve endings could die. I selected my doctor carefully and thankfully I retained a lot of sensation in my new lady bits. Even with a good doctor this is all relative to how a person heals.


What are the biggest changes you have experienced with your sexuality post op?


My sexuality has been amazing post-op. It’s almost as if I was able to reclaim my virginity and start all over. I am no longer shy of being fully naked and I love my body entirely which has translated to a new found confidence in my sexuality...so much I am no longer timid and in fact far more dominant in bed than I used to be. It opened my range of sex too, now I have three holes to play with and I find my partners to be far more accepting of me being trans post-op. I even enjoy playing with my female friends as I no longer find myself comparing or in my head thinking “I should have a vagina too”. Over all sex for me has had a full on glow up, nothing is off limits anymore and instead of focusing on what I can not do, I find myself diving into new fantasies and kinks.

My biggest difficulties now are orgasms and the “do I tell him/her” conversations. Starting with orgasms, the longer time has been after surgery the harder it is for me to have an external orgasm (I have good internal orgasms both anally and vaginally thanks to my prostate gland). Being stimulated clitorally has become kind of discouraging because orgasms do take a really long time now, if they happen at all. Initially, orgasms were easy considering the surgery was fresh and my nerves were firing off. I do not know why its harder now but I cannot even make myself finish sometimes.

The “do I tell him/her” is a hard battle because I personally feel that it’s still very personal information for me to tell someone who is not going to be a lifelong partner/friend. On one hand I have society saying its wrong of me not to tell someone about my birth sex before engaging in sexual activity. Then there is also a voice saying why ruin something that will not matter at the end of a hook up. For example if I intend on having a one night stand with someone, its unimportant for me to really have a talk about my life long journey that caused me trauma and a lot of money etc for something superficial that lasts a night. Now if its a long term partner, then that’s something different. At that point I do tell something deep for someone deep.

Post-op cleanliness is a huge deal. My vagina does clean itself and while still mucosal tissue it still needs a little TLC. Douching, while is a no-no for natal vaginas is encouraged after sex and once a week just to keep cleanliness and odor normal for post-op vaginas (nothing store bought, sterile saline water is enough). If I plan on having sex I will take extra time to clean her up inside because I tend to produce a little more yeast than the average vagina.


Self lubrication can also be a hit or miss (most Neo-Vaginas won’t lubricate at all). This just means lube is a best friend during sex...glycerin free water based lube I find is most effective on the post-op vagina...or spit. The more water soluble the better, for easy clean-up of course.


Post op, what have been the best ways for you to explore stimulation and arousal?


HRT generally changed my mode of arousal even prior to SRS. I need more conversation, tenderness, etc.


Sex is less of an act and more of an experience for me.

Post-op there was a huge emphasis on the experiences leading up to actual sex as I no longer had a “male” powerhouse reproductively. While I am a horny individual being aroused no longer comes easy for me. I need to be triggered. I do not masturbate much anymore as I enjoy being with someone over solo play. But I will say over the last year...I have rediscovered my love for porn which is plenty arousing while solo..


What has been your experience with sex toys or devices aimed at sexual health?


I have minimal experience with sex toys as I am sensitive to them. Recently I did turn myself on to one, it took months before I used it to fully orgasm. I am still novice with them but I reached full orgasm like I used to pre-op, finally. While external orgasms with my partners did occur they never felt exactly the same. Thank you sex toy for that.


What advice would you give to trans women who want to explore their sexuality at any point in their transition?


Only explore what’s comfortable. It can be traumatic if things are explored uncomfortably or prematurely. There is never a cookie cutter “right” way to do sex. What is right for you is relative to your wants and needs. Never feel pressured by fetishes, society, etc as a means to oblige to a longing to fit in or comfort your dysphoria...it does more harm than good in the long run.


Any best practices that trans women should consider when having solo or partnered sex?



Be vocal and establish boundaries, even with yourself. Solo sex is definitely time to explore specific likes and dislikes. If I was not comfortable doing it with myself I definitely had it off limits with partners. Taking time and having patience is essential. I thought I lost my ability to fully orgasm (like I used to) until I was having alone time and just relaxing, it took me an hour and a half but it happened thanks to patience.


I know dysphoria can get in the way but definitely do not do things for the sake of a partner...having talks about what arouses you is so important and breaks cookie cutter sex molds. For example if you personally have chosen to not have SRS and enjoy being on “top” then find a partner that suits that need. Sex is inclusive and everyone deserves to finish. Sex is customizable and we should never forget that.




Thank you Jade! You can find Jade on Instagram @jadethedonut


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