In light of romance awareness month, I'm sure you’ve all experienced the following scenario:
In your sex life, you would like to try something new. Catch is, you’re afraid to ask your partner in fear of what they may think/say.
I get it, I really do- This can be a very, VERY, scary part to any relationship.
As you could imagine with me, I have many sexual interests and it can be overwhelming to unload on someone. Many fear that asking their partner for something new will offend them, or make them feel as if they aren’t good enough, which isn’t the case! Just like food, it can get a bit monotonous eating the same meal every time. If you throw some pepper on it…. now we are talking .
The good news is, you can gently bring up your curiosities to your partner in order to try something new.
Tell me, when is the last time you seriously sat down with your sexual partner and discussed.. well… your sex? Your sexual interests? Your sexual past? What makes you, you? You would be mind blown to know that many people are having sex, and not giving a damn about what the other one likes. Personally, its even more of a tragedy to hear that people don’t speak up about what they want in bed!
Sure you could just go with the motions, but I recommend something a little different. If you are in want of change, how about sitting down with your partner and asking them what new things they would like to try? Any fantasies? Any new positions, toys, foreplay? When you open up the field of communication, and you're receptive to hearing your partner out, your wants and needs will be validated as well.
Even with communication, I see you- you’re still scared to ask your partner for something. Maybe you want more oral, maybe you want to be tied up. Being the nerdy psych major I am, positive reinforcement does work wonders. Not only can you use it in the bedroom, but you can use it outside. When suggesting something that you want to try with your partner, try complimenting and acknowledging what they do great first.
“Babe, I really love the way you make me feel in doggy style position. I would really love to try having you stimulate my clit while we are in that position. Want to try?”
“Its incredibly hot the when you ride me and let me hold your hands. I would love to try lightly tying up your wrists and playing around if you would like to experiment!”
“I read about a new technique I can give you during a blowjob. Mind if we try it during 69?”
There are SO many ways to make asking for something new incredibly sexy. Keep in mind when approached in this manner, I’m sure your partner will be very intrigued by your curiosities. As for positive reinforcement during sex.. make sure to always vocalize what an amazing job they are doing when giving/receiving pleasure. No one likes questionably silent sex! Compromise
In the end, it does take two to tango and you do need to compromise. Everyone has different boundaries, and you must respect them- you should never force someone to do something that makes them uncomfortable. I see myself explaining this a lot to people, since maybe someone has watched really unrealistic porn and doesn't understand why their partner won’t do a backflip onto their penis. Maybe you don’t understand why your guy can’t somehow do all the same techniques you saw.
THIS IS NOT HEALTHY
You have to recognize someones strengths, and work together to create the amazing sex life you want. Setting unrealistic expectations of your partner is unfair, and will probably destroy your relationship. If your partner 100% does not want to try what you are asking, try and find common ground on what is something you can enjoy together. I will use myself for example, since my ex husband wasn’t nearly as freaky as me- but our sex life definitely didn’t suffer!
Being a heavy kinkster, I wanted to play with more submissiveness/restraint. Since he wasn’t fully comfortable with tying me up, we compromised and he was able to use his hands to either restrain my arms, legs, throat, or hair in a way that was equally as satisfying.
A challenge for you
I challenge you to ask your partner to try something new together, whatever it may be. Maybe you want to try lube, anal play, different positions, BDSM, role-play, new oral skills, more oral, WHATEVER YOU WANT. Try my three steps above, and compromise on a new, sexy solution.