Well well well, if it isn’t your fantasies talking! As sexual beings, we are wired with fantasies that build and change over time. My fantasies were, and still are, all over the place. Whether they be normal or something that isn’t even possible in this human life, they are super normal. So this begs the question, why do we have them? Why are they so weird? Do we actually want to live these sexual fantasies? I’m here to assure you just how normal you are, and how to enjoy your sexual fantasies whether they stay that way or happen IRL.
Why do we have fantasies?
If you think about it, we spend our entire lives fantasizing. Fantasizing about our warm bed waiting for us after a long day, that amazing Mexican restaurant you can’t get enough of, perhaps your paycheck hitting your account. Sex is no different, and the fantasies we can achieve through sexuality are practically endless.
When I was younger I never realized how powerful fantasies could be - the ones I would have would send my clit throbbing, and wanting to get off right then and there. Perhaps a partner sent you a naughty message and it makes you wet immediately - this is because your brain is your #1 sex organ. When you’re mentally stimulated, the body follows.
Given that fantasies are totally normal, it’s safe to question why certain things appease you more than others.
Sexual Fantasies Can Really Surprise You.
I like to describe sexual fantasies as the child-like imagination we once had turning into adulthood. We can flex this boundless muscle to create scenarios and feelings that truly get us excited, hot and bothered, or sometimes your fantasies may scare you. That’s right, not all fantasies make us happy. While some fantasies can be super vanilla like wanting to make out with someone, we can tend to have some super twisted fantasies. Think taboos, ones you find shameful, or even ones that gross you out.
Fantasies about group sex? BDSM? Alien dicks? Fucking a dragon? Anime? Getting beat up? Fucking someone that repulses you? Fucking strangers? The wrong people? Cheating? And yes, even rape.
Our fantasies can be deeply tied to our psyche. The deep, subconscious parts of ourselves that we don’t allow to come out. Perhaps these are our naughty, rule breaking sides. The sides of us that have experienced trauma and need to heal. The sides of us that are extremely curious, or the sides that have experienced intense shame. It can also just be simple: You find something hot and it excites you, fuck yeah!
The good news: Fantasies are not facts, or real life. You can have whatever fantasy you want, enjoy it, or learn from it, and not change a damn thing in your life.
We don’t always want to live out our sexual fantasies.
You’ll be even more surprised to know that 90% of the fantasies we have are not ones we would actually want to follow through with in real life. Why is that?
There are a number of reasons:
You’re not actually comfortable doing it for real
Your lifestyle doesn’t foster ideal fantasy situations
You’re in a partnership that won’t allow it
It scares you
The fantasy lived out would actually be traumatic
Not physically possible
Who cares, you don’t need a reason to not pull through a fantasy.
Long story short, simply the mental stimulation of a fantasy is enough to curve our “sexual appetite” in many instances. As I wrote in my blog Attracted to Others While Monogamous, the simple act of acknowledging your want to fuck someone else or entertaining the thought is enough. You don’t usually want to go through with it after that.
Do the Masturbation Test
If you have a fantasy and you’re not sure how you feel about it, masturbate to it. Masturbating to your fantasies is not only the safest way to experience them, but it gives you a pretty realistic feeling of what that would be like IRL. Think visualization, with your sexuality.
Personally, I do this with many activities in BDSM. If I see something new that I’m on the fence about trying, I’ll take that thought to the masturbation test. If I can’t really get off on it the way I thought it would, I decide it’s probably not for me IRL.
You must also be open to the fact that even though you may think you want something IRL, that could immediately change once you actually get it. The #1 sexual fantasy that people want and end up not liking is group sex.
#1 Sexual Fantasy: Group Sex
I cannot even begin to tell you how many people fantasize about group sex in some form. Literally, everyone wants group sex - my IG poll I did recently asking folks about their fantasies was all group sex.
While group sex is the easiest fantasy to live out, it ends up being the most disappointing for 80% of people that I talk to.
That guy that pushed so hard for a 2 girl threesome? Ends up not being able to get hard or thinks it’s too much work.
That couple that wanted to try an orgy? Finds out they don’t like playing with others even though the thought was hot.
That gang bang you wanted? You realize you don’t have enough energy, holes, or hands for this play.
Group sex is fucking awesome, but it’s not like porn - there are many dynamics to consider, and you may realize it doesn’t fit your needs at all. For this reason, many revert back to keeping group sex a beautiful, fluffy fantasy that they can enjoy in their spare time.
Healing Through your sexual fantasies
It would be a disservice to not mention the healing that can come from our fantasies. As mentioned above, sexual fantasies offer us a safe space to experience things without actually doing them. They can also offer us the headspace to relive things like sexual, emotional, and physical traumas and reclaim our power back. To do the scenario over, in our own terms.
While this is a blog for another time, this type of healing makes fantasies about rape extremely normal. For many of us, having these fantasies can be a result of finding ways to take our power back or live through fears we have.
When actually living it out, this is called Consensual Non-Consent. It’s about establishing a safe space with a partner where you consent to living out a “Non-Consent” scenario, giving you full authority in your experience. This is so healing for folks who’ve had that authority taken from them at some point in their life.
I want to live out my fantasy - how do I do it?
Here are my top tips to consider when wanting to move forward with a fantasy of yours.
Do the masturbation test. How do you feel about this fantasy? What is your headspace after experiencing it?
Is it actually feasible? Can you make it happen? Some fantasies take tons of coordination, but all is possible.
Are all parties on board? For example, if you’re in a relationship and want to bring in a third for a threesome, you need to be on the same page.
Set actionable dates. Like anything in life, you can say you want something and never make it happen. Have you talked about hooking up with a friend? Maybe discussed wanting to try some fantasies together like bondage or impact play? Great. Set a date, and make it happen.
Regardless, sexual fantasies are yours.
You can live in peace knowing that your sexual fantasies are for you. They are for you to enjoy, to experience, process, and to act out if you feel like it. No matter how dirty, far out there, or strange the fantasy may be, you’re normal AF. Even better? Fantasies are not tangible items, they are thoughts you can keep to yourself or share with others if you please.
All the best to you, and cheers to your naughty, fun, and twisted thoughts. I know I’m enjoying mine!