• Julieta Chiara

NSFW: Dominance and Submission


@ashesbardole

Disclaimers for the Kink Police: 


*Please keep in mind while reading that everything I write is under the grounds of mutual consent between partners, always. I mention this now so I don’t have to write that consent was there over and over again*


*BDSM and Kink entail very subjective experiences, to which I write of my own for context. People’s experiences can differ greatly from mine, with one person’s experience not being more valid than the other.*









Exploring kink was something that was incredibly taboo even a couple of years ago, and I'm so glad to see that my readers are curious and open to learning more. I preach a lot on my page about dominance and submission, so I am here to explain to my kink newbs what that entails: because it’s so exciting!


My First Experience:


I still remember the first time a partner was dominant with me, in many ways: all our interactions involve someone being more dominant than the other. In my case, a partner had asked to pull my hair while penetrating me from behind. At first, I remember thinking, would that be disrespectful to me? To women? I agreed as he pulled my hair ever so lightly, afraid he would hurt me. From that first pull, there was something that came over my body where I just… released. I asked him to pull harder, and even harder, him checking in with me and making sure I was alright. One of the few times in my life did I feel my body just relax into itself, letting my partner take control: I submitted fully to my partner. Well, now I know that no act of submission is disrespectful unless done without it being wanted. 



Back in the day, I didn’t know that this simple act would be considered part of BDSM, or any form of dominance and submission. That one hair pull quickly turned into more acts, such as spanking, restraint of hands and feet, and light choking play. Not only did this feel good with my body, but it was psychologically thrilling. I don’t know if the acts turned me on, or watching my partner take full control of me and seeing them give to me fully. We quickly started to incorporate submission through psychological matters: take for example “who’s my slut”, “you’re mine”, “you do as I say”.


So… How Does This All Make Sense? 


What is so ironic with this situation? Well, it’s that I am the most in control, dominant person of all time in my normal day to day life. If you were to attempt any of the above on me outside of a consensual, sexual encounter…. I would either beat the shit out of you or make you cry. So how is it, that me, a very dominant woman, can fall so in love with being sexually… the opposite? 



Sexuality in itself is a very powerful tool. A tool of pleasure, a tool of release- and BDSM is that healing tool for many people: a great aide in overcoming trauma, blockages, etc. I get exactly what you’re thinking: Julieta, how does one find healing in lack of control? By being struck, dominated, tied, talked down to, etc? 


Here is where you have it all wrong. Being submissive means you're actually the one with the most control. You get to decide what happens to you. You get to decide the boundaries in place for your physical and mental safety. You are in control of the experience, and have the ability to stop it at any time. As a dominant, you are being given the reigns to practice control under the curated guidance and boundaries of your submissive. You are being trusted and allowed to play out acts, physically and emotionally, that can make you feel powerful, nurturing, and incredibly stimulating. 



For my personal experience it came down to control and trust. I like a more aggressive, masculine partner that can really take full control over me and my body. Being submissive, or “losing control” under my terms feels exciting because in my life, I always have to be in control. I don’t let people disrespect me and I am always in power of what happens to me. It was that sweet release I mentioned earlier, that feeling of being able to surrender to my partner and be in a state of play or psychological thrill. What will my partner do to me? What will they say to me? If my partner says something disrespectful (“You do as I say”) why does that excite me? Well, this leads into trust. It excites me because I trust my partner when submitting to them, knowing they have my best interest at heart. . 


And of course, the most annoying comment made by those who don’t understand BDSM: “well, what happened to you to make you like this”.