NSFW: Dominance and Submission


@ashesbardole

Disclaimers for the Kink Police: 


*Please keep in mind while reading that everything I write is under the grounds of mutual consent between partners, always. I mention this now so I don’t have to write that consent was there over and over again*


*BDSM and Kink entail very subjective experiences, to which I write of my own for context. People’s experiences can differ greatly from mine, with one person’s experience not being more valid than the other.*









Exploring kink was something that was incredibly taboo even a couple of years ago, and I'm so glad to see that my readers are curious and open to learning more. I preach a lot on my page about dominance and submission, so I am here to explain to my kink newbs what that entails: because it’s so exciting!


My First Experience:


I still remember the first time a partner was dominant with me, in many ways: all our interactions involve someone being more dominant than the other. In my case, a partner had asked to pull my hair while penetrating me from behind. At first, I remember thinking, would that be disrespectful to me? To women? I agreed as he pulled my hair ever so lightly, afraid he would hurt me. From that first pull, there was something that came over my body where I just… released. I asked him to pull harder, and even harder, him checking in with me and making sure I was alright. One of the few times in my life did I feel my body just relax into itself, letting my partner take control: I submitted fully to my partner. Well, now I know that no act of submission is disrespectful unless done without it being wanted. 



Back in the day, I didn’t know that this simple act would be considered part of BDSM, or any form of dominance and submission. That one hair pull quickly turned into more acts, such as spanking, restraint of hands and feet, and light choking play. Not only did this feel good with my body, but it was psychologically thrilling. I don’t know if the acts turned me on, or watching my partner take full control of me and seeing them give to me fully. We quickly started to incorporate submission through psychological matters: take for example “who’s my slut”, “you’re mine”, “you do as I say”.


So… How Does This All Make Sense? 


What is so ironic with this situation? Well, it’s that I am the most in control, dominant person of all time in my normal day to day life. If you were to attempt any of the above on me outside of a consensual, sexual encounter…. I would either beat the shit out of you or make you cry. So how is it, that me, a very dominant woman, can fall so in love with being sexually… the opposite? 



Sexuality in itself is a very powerful tool. A tool of pleasure, a tool of release- and BDSM is that healing tool for many people: a great aide in overcoming trauma, blockages, etc. I get exactly what you’re thinking: Julieta, how does one find healing in lack of control? By being struck, dominated, tied, talked down to, etc? 


Here is where you have it all wrong. Being submissive means you're actually the one with the most control. You get to decide what happens to you. You get to decide the boundaries in place for your physical and mental safety. You are in control of the experience, and have the ability to stop it at any time. As a dominant, you are being given the reigns to practice control under the curated guidance and boundaries of your submissive. You are being trusted and allowed to play out acts, physically and emotionally, that can make you feel powerful, nurturing, and incredibly stimulating. 



For my personal experience it came down to control and trust. I like a more aggressive, masculine partner that can really take full control over me and my body. Being submissive, or “losing control” under my terms feels exciting because in my life, I always have to be in control. I don’t let people disrespect me and I am always in power of what happens to me. It was that sweet release I mentioned earlier, that feeling of being able to surrender to my partner and be in a state of play or psychological thrill. What will my partner do to me? What will they say to me? If my partner says something disrespectful (“You do as I say”) why does that excite me? Well, this leads into trust. It excites me because I trust my partner when submitting to them, knowing they have my best interest at heart. . 


And of course, the most annoying comment made by those who don’t understand BDSM: “well, what happened to you to make you like this”.


I am here to announce that I don’t have “daddy issues”, and I am not a trauma survivor of any kind, and I have only watched Fetish or Kink porn about 4 times in my entire life. I genuinely enjoy BDSM, uninfluenced by outside events. There is nothing wrong if you have gone through any of the above, BDSM is a great tool to heal!


A simple explanation




The most simple explanation of dominance and submission is that in partnered play, one person is the Dominant and one is the Submissive. In many ways, we already practice this to some level during sex or even day to day interactions: one is the giver, one is the receiver. We can switch, or someone is always giving or receiving. This aspect is very fluid in our relationships be them sexual or not. Dominance and Submission is used to some extent in all kink acts, and is one of the deepest forms of trust, boundaries, and consent that I have ever experienced. There is something so exciting about giving your partner control, or being in control of your partner. 


Methods of dominance and submission


@malynnnelson

There are 1,000’s of way you can be Dominant and Submissive. Non of them are better than the other, non of them are wrong, they are all subjective to the people involved. 


To get a better idea of how these practices can come into fruition, I have listen a couple of my PERSONAL methods. 

-Putting your partner in any kind of bondage. 

-Ownership: Putting a collar or gag on your partner and telling them what they can and can’t do. 

-Making your partner call you a certain title during sex and obeying you. “Master”, “Daddy”, “Mistress”, “Slut”.

-Slight Degrading: Telling your partner they are less than, deserve to be punished, deserve to be treated a certain way (within your boundaries of course). 

-Being bratty. Your partner tells you to do something, you disobey, they “punish” you with whatever method you agreed to. This can be impact, psychological play, you name it. 

-Impact play: Spanking, Flogging, Whipping, Slapping of face.

-Choking or Limb Restraint 

-Hair Pulling


Safe words, Consent, and Boundaries, aftercare 



Of course, all the acts I have mentioned thus far would be completely unethical if there weren’t methods of consent and boundaries set beforehand. Consent is self explanatory, it’s mindfully agreeing to doing anything in life, in this case a sexual act. While we may be play partners and I consent to having sex with you, I may not consent to having a finger being inserted in my ass- this is where boundaries come up. 


Boundaries

Boundaries, often referred to as “Limits”, the parameters that you put in place to ensure your partner does not cross a mental or physical line that could hurt you, make you feel unsafe, or just isn’t of interest. It’s an essential form of consent to make sure your partner understands what your needs are, and what is absolutely off limits. 


  • Hard boundaries, or Hard Limits, are acts that you will absolutely never do, one of my hard boundaries is that I will never participate in any play that involves bodily fluids.

  • Soft boundaries, or Soft Limits,  are acts that you will sometimes do, and it depends on how you are feeling + discussing it beforehand. A soft boundary for me is anal stimulation or anal sex, since sometimes I am in the mood and I like to be really prepared for it. 

  • In short, boundaries/limits is about asking for what you want, getting it how you want, and not leaving grey area to what happens with you, to you, or someone else.

  • With limits, there is everything between Hard and Soft limits that is subjective to the person. You may agree to something, but a limit may require that your partner also gives you something else in exchange. For example, In order for them to flog you they may request that you reassure them during it, etc. 

Safe Word/Action



A safe word or action is a queue to your partner to stop whatever they are doing should you want them to stop- this is a form of consent. With my partners, we always have made ours “pineapple”. Try and choose a word that would make absolutely no sense in a kinky or sexual context, for its the ultimate queue to stop. A safe action would be something you can do if you don’t have the ability to talk- for example, when I am being choked, I always have one hand loose so I can lightly tap on my partner’s arm or back should they be going to heavy on me. 


Many people in the scene use the street light system. Saying red means stop, Yellow means slow down, and Green means you want more- Simple!


Aftercare


@fairygodmary

Aftercare can best be described as a way of officially ending your domination session, almost as if bringing you back to reality with love and care. It is a bonding mechanism between the dominant and submissive, and a very important one at that. Some people need it more than others, and it is very emotionally stabilizing after being taken on a crazy ride.


It can feel weird to go from being dominated to then cutting off the interaction completely- it is you and your Dom's responsibility to take care of each other afterwards. This is even more so important in more intense physical play- maybe after being tied up for a long time you need to be held and have your body massaged. Maybe after being spanked very hard your partner needs to tend to your bruises or opened skin, making you feel comfortable and pain free (after the endorphin rush is over, BDSM battle wounds can definitely hurt). Perhaps your Dom is fucking exhausted after your session, and needs a shower, water, and some food- it all depends on the person.


I personally don't require much aftercare, I am pretty content with laying together and perhaps getting cuddles or being tickled. I am very much a giver, so my "aftercare" will sometimes be more about relaxing my partner after they have put out so much for me.


How is this healing? 



@meliafina

The aspect of trust can be huge for many of those who have experienced sexual trauma, as BDSM can help put trust back into sexual experiences. It sounds counterintuitive, because for the uneducated person, BDSM may seem like a form of abuse, torture or trauma.


The reality is, BDSM is giving power back to a person who may have had their power stripped from them at some point in their life. This person is learning to trust a partner, when at some point they had learned to distrust a figure- sexually or not. This person is learning how to communicate their needs, boundaries, and consent when formally they may have been taken advantage of, silenced, or hurt. It can open up the door to new ways of pleasure or sensation, especially if “typical” sexual stimulation holds too much trauma or for some reason isn’t preferred/enjoyable. The possibilities are absolutely endless. 

Sexually you feel new sensations and new found powers. Physically you test your limits and can really sink back into your body, as often times we live very much disconnected from our physical realities. Emotionally we can connect with ourselves and how we are feeling, or be able to release stress, tension, and trauma for sometimes we mentally disconnect as well. Spiritually, and some may argue this, but we can reach elevated states of being and feel closer to something bigger than us. Haven’t you thought how in most religions, there is always some history of a physical practice that is meant to sacrifice or endure pain for a higher being to reward you?


How is this respectful to women?


A common argument for those who aren’t educated in BDSM is that it may be degrading towards women. This can be fueled by the stereotype of what BDSM is, or what many have seen in movies and porn. May I remind you, that films are indeed fantasy- I myself don’t even watch fetish or BDSM porn because it’s usually a terrible representation of real life scenarios, and lacks proper things like conversation, boundary setting, safe words, and aftercare. 


If a woman is consenting to the experience, knows what she wants, or is open to exploring- that is her choice. A woman making a choice for herself, especially a sexual choice, is very respectful and empowering. 


Some Light Erotica: My Dom Daddy Experience



@meliafina

We are old enough and wise enough to know that in modern day society calling someone Daddy is no longer synonymous with your actual dad or incest fantasies.

This word has taken on a new meaning, one of the dominant in a relationship, one that has something to give or a powerful figure in your eyes.


My best BDSM partner, who I call my Dom Daddy, has very much helped me evolve my experience as a submissive. We bonded initially over our love of BDSM and then thought, why not play together? We are incredible friends, love Dominance and Submission, and could have open discussions of what our needs were without getting emotionally involved. Score!


While with previous partners we may have incorporated new things during the heat of the moment, you learn as a kinkster you shouldn’t do that. Before even attempting anything kinky together we went over our hard limits (things you will absolutely not do), what type of play we were into, safe word or safe motion to stop or slow down. We were a perfect fit- I was a full submissive and a total brat, and he was 100% dominant unless he chose to switch. 



@fairygodmary

In one of my favorite experiences with him, the thing that struck me the most was his incredibly calm yet powerful voice in how he talked to me. I won’t bear all details as it would be too long and too much for some, but here is the most vanilla way I could write it. 


He was never aggressive, he never raised his voice, but his words for lack of better terms mind fucked me. He looked me in the eye and said “get down on your knees. I am going to tie you up and give you the treatment you deserve. Do you understand?” He stroked my hair back so I could start performing oral, proceeding to gently put his hand behind my head. With a strong hand, he pushed my head deeper and deeper during oral, causing me to slightly gag- which is expected. “Good Girl” he said. It is a hot mix to be dominated, but still being given words of reassurance- we continued on.


Pulling me by my hair and laying me on my back, he took his ropes and put my legs into frog ties- making me hold a vibrator to my clitoris as he did so. After putting on the condom, he grabbed the ropes and put my legs into position, almost as if he was using the ropes as reins to move me into him. Grasping my throat as we had sex, I pulled a brat move letting one of my hands loose and started to choke him as well. You could see him getting fired up… “Thats it, this is what you get for misbehaving”. He flipped me around doggy style, and put a ball gag in my mouth, then shoved my face into the bed. Penetrating me from behind, he used one hand to hold my hands behind my back and pulling my hair with the other as he went rougher and rougher. 



Our time continued, but as we finished he gently released the ball gag, untied my legs, and laid me down on the bed. Panting and out of breath, both sweaty from such an intense time together, we collapsed. Ending the night off with some aftercare of spooning and conversation, it was incredibly satisfying to say the least. 


He respected all my boundaries, followed exactly what my kinks were, gave me words of reassurance, and gave me the best aftercare that fits my needs- could he be any better? He’s an Angel. A kinky angel. Once I am ready for more intense practices, he is the first person I will go to with my new ideas. 


Thank You


I wanted to thank you for reading through my thoughts, experiences, and opinions. It can be hard, even as a sex blogger, to be vulnerable in this aspect for fear of how people may perceive things. While I am no stranger to opposition, I hope that my experiences can help broaden yours. If you have any questions, please feel free to email me!

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