Man, I can’t believe I have been in Europe for 4 weeks already.
As a back story, I had a massive breakthrough in Venice, Italy recently. I could barely sleep one night, and had woken up at 4 am unable to even lay in bed. I had decided to do an early morning meditation while the small city was quiet, hoping to address why I felt so uneasy. I found a deck right on the main canal of Venice, where it was calm and I put my travel playlist on shuffle. As I sat down and got comfortable, I had the irresistible urge to look at what day it was- and long behold, it was the day before what would have been my marriage anniversary.
My heart hurt, and I was flooded with emotions since this day would have looked very different if we had stayed together. At the same exact time, Steve Angello’s song “Remember” came on. As the song played, the sun started to rise over Venice and the waves were quiet- I cannot describe to you the peace I felt in that exact moment. I broke down in tears, tears of happiness and tears of sadness. A year ago I had been in such a different and scary place, and now I was sitting alone on a deck in Venice meditating. I had been so overtaken by gratitude as this songs lyrics (I urge you to listen to the song, the deck is pictured below), this scenery, this appreciation for life had really hit me to my core.
In that moment, something inside me healed. Something inside me detached of the old and opened my heart to the new: No more hanging on to what I had known, no more “what ifs”, no more asking “why”. In that very moment I had decided to let go.
When my ex and I made the choice to split, I still had to stay one more month in the home we shared (in Tucson) to finish off my school semester and give my work enough notice to find a replacement. I remember feeling so lost and confused, not knowing what the next steps of my life would be- this relationship and this reality is all I had known for the past 3 years. I had grown to not be a very spontaneous person, always trying to micro plan my life. It's safe to say that because of this thinking, I had really began to “think and dream small”. I had feared making big moves in life, I had feared massive amounts of change. I think its very safe to say that for the most successful people in the world, there have been periods of massive risk and uncertainty. I realized that over and over again, I was self sabotaging amazing life experiences and opportunities since I wasn’t willing to take any risks.
While trying to sort out moving home, I just had a massive “fuck it” moment. I wanted to be a brand new person, I didn’t want to carry all this baggage: I was ready to EVOLVE.
I had done everything I had usually gone against, and decided to take some damn risk. I went through all my belongings and said goodbye to 70% of my stuff, since in reality I never really used it. I donated clothing, I threw away trash, I said goodbye to items that held memories that don’t serve me anymore. I let my ex keep our furniture so I wouldn’t have to move it, sold my beloved Chevy Aveo, rented a SUV and moved my only belongings back to Utah.
I had quit my job, decided to not do summer courses at school, and my incredible dad proposed that I come to Europe for some time to recharge and let my soul HEAL.
Of course I panicked….
What did I just do? No job? No school for the summer? All my belongings gone, no car, and a one way ticket to Europe? What the fuck am I doing?
Instead of fighting against what I truly wanted, I decided to let the Universe just take me on an adventure, even if I didn’t know what the outcome would be. I packed one suitcase filled with the clothing I own and embarked on my one way ticket to Barcelona.
I won’t deny that I am very fortunate in this situation- my dad happens to live part time in Barcelona, so I am able to come to Europe seamlessly and not need to worry about having/paying for a place to stay. I am very lucky that in the shittiest time of my life, I am able to simply hop it on over to another country and be able to work on myself without any life worries- and I am so incredibly grateful for that.
After everything I've been through, it would have been easier to stay busy with work or school, but I really needed to let myself process without running from my emotions. The first couple weeks were tough here for me emotionally- I wasn’t around friends, Im in a city thats unfamiliar, and my “reality” is no more, everything was brand new. Being as stagnant as I had been, this was fucking terrifying. I almost felt like a dog that had been let out of a shelter- having ultimate freedom into a beautiful new world almost gave me the opposite effect that you would think. I was tempted to hop back into my comfort zone, to go back to what felt safe. I had sunken into my anxiety thinking about all the bad “what ifs”.
But heres the thing guys... it really is all in your head. I could either sit here in Europe and mope about the bad things in my life, or I could put it behind me and build a new future and reality for myself, saying goodbye to the old me. I started saying “Yes” to new adventures, and saying “No” to shit I truly do not care for anymore. I have been reclaiming myself through a variety of experiences: I've started to read for pleasure, I am meeting new and exciting people, I am paying close attention to my health and body instead of pushing myself to the brink, going to the beach often (and nude), writing for fun, exploring the city, I am enjoying the power of being ALONE.
Being alone is powerful- the opportunities are endless. I have done more life adventure in the past two months than I have done in the past couple years… I have felt the most free that I've felt maybe in the past 6 years. Imagine if I would have never taken the plunge?
Imagine if I would have gone into my safety net in Utah and just continued to be stagnant? Where would that leave room for me to truly find myself and heal?
I don’t have it all figured out, I probably never will. I am here to tell you to take the plunge, no matter how scary it may be. Leave relationships, friendships, jobs or whatever that is holding you back from truly flourishing. Take the opportunity to adventure when you can, to explore and see the world- it makes you realize how small your reality is. Breathe fresh air, sink deeper into yourself, even if you have to take risks to do so- you will be so happy you did.
Thank you for tagging along on my adventures and my journey of self development- I am so grateful for you all!