Life Update: "Conscious uncoupling"
Today marks an official month since I have sat down and touched my blog.
Not because I don’t like sharing, but because the last month's event has weighed heavily on me- so heavily that I put everything down to focus on just being able to function normally.
Long story short, deciding to uncouple with your long term partner is never an easy pill to swallow, even if its backed up behind the best intentions.
Its agonizing, heartbreaking, confusing, bittersweet, yet filled with a mixture of happiness, gratitude, love, and hope.
I tell my partner all the time that I wish I hated him, since it would make living a life without him easier- but it takes courage, bravery, and a very developed love and maturity to be able to love your partner through all changes that will benefit each other, coupled or not. What we had was absolutely beautiful and deep, filled with love, connection, and downright amazing memories (and wonderful sex may I add cough cough). Have their been hard times? Hell yes there have been. We have been through everything together, and we are not immune to normal issues that may present theirselves in relationships. What we are, is conscious enough to look and respect each other as individuals- and that involves learning how to set your ego aside to look at the well being of someone else.
This decision was not easy- it was rocky. There was so much back and forth, so many tears, so many questions, insecurities, deep life talks, and slowly we are finding steady peace. My partner, ex partner, is my best friend and will always remain a special person in my life and heart.There is no hate, no grudges, no jealousy, no malicious intent, just two people who are in a constant state of change, and who need the opportunity to develop as individuals- and people can’t seem to really believe that.
Society Breeds us to look at love in the light of ownership and hatred
A thing with society, is that they teach you that if a relationship ends- it must end on the worst terms. That you will never speak to that person again, you will always view them in a negative light, and being around them in the future will always be a taboo experience. That their placeholder as an “ex” has to be just as relevant to you as hell, and that you should avoid them at all costs- Isn’t that a load of bullshit? As hard as it is to put my feelings of heartbreak aside to see the benefit of decoupling for my partner, I can see many positive things. Who will this person become without me (gasp, people can exist without each other)? What amazing things can they accomplish on their own? What amazing people now have the opportunity to come into their life? How can this person benefit from truly focusing their love and energy on themselves as an individual?
Seeing my partner in the future may be heart wrenching, but for the right reasons. I want to feel the happy memories we had. I want to hug them and know that I still care for them, no matter what the circumstance is. We have grown so much together, and there is so much to appreciate from that alone. Without each other we wouldn’t have done some of the most important milestones of our young adult life- we wouldn’t have known true love, true connection, seeing someone at their worst, at their best, and being excited to see them in their future. It is downright childish to wish failure onto on ex just because it hurt you to lose them.
Another thing society teaches us, is that relationships are synonymous with ownership. Sounds extreme? Its everywhere. How many people Insta bios do you see with “taken by” “heart belongs to” or “he’s my, she’s my”? This is a vicious cycle that sets us up as individuals to actually not respect our partners as their own actual person, and we experience a lot of emotional instability at the thought of our partners not making everything about us. Notice how I call my husband, now ex-husband, a partner? I prefer the word partner because we are both choosing to be in this relationship together, and the bound of a paper or relationship doesn't work if its not a partnership.
I grew up in this society, and its taken me a lot of inner conscious work to be able to put my ego aside and look at my partner as a person and see whats best for him, not what's best for me. He is his own person, I am mine- we both have goals and dreams for ourselves, and are very excited to thrive together or apart. One of the things I love most about my ex is that he never got in the way of my individuality- I wasn’t his property. He didn’t tell me what I could and couldn’t do, he didn’t tell me what to wear, he didn’t tell me who I could and couldn’t talk to, follow, ect. I didn’t belong to my partner- we were two amazing people who worked together and shared a love that is very deep and strong.
With this ownership, its easy to feel selfish- especially in times of uncoupling. I don’t want to feel sad, lost, or alone- but these are MY feelings, and I need to try to put them aside for the greater good- even if this is something we both decided on. Your partner isn’t that teddy bear you keep trapped in your room and let it know its all yours and has no future outside of you- the fucked up part is many people seriously treat their partners that way. A phrase I hate is “you are nothing without me”- how selfish is it to say you are so important that another person is only relevant because of that? I am so grateful that my ex and I have a deep rooted love for each other, and see past the stupidity of trying to claim ownership on each others “love”.
Once this decision was made, I did feel really lost- and that sparked me to realize that I needed this more than I thought I did. I have always preached being a self sustained, independent woman, and this is my opportunity to grow and make something for myself without involving anyone else into my life choices. Don’t get me wrong, I love and appreciate the relationship I had so much more than I can put into words- but all choices and changes were made on the premise of also putting someone else needs to the table first. I don’t have set plans for the future, other than ride it out- I will be doing some traveling, and moving to a different state and taking advantage of this opportunity to make new memories and gain more life experience. I get to take time to rediscover who I am, what I truly care about, and what pursuits I wish to take in life.
This entire ordeal has been a very grand experience- on that has liberated me in more ways than one. My heart is filled with gratitude and love for my ex/best friend, and all the amazing people in my life, including you guys, who have supported me every step of the way when I didn’t think I would be able to find the means to cope. Having this support, love, and humanity is what it means to truly be blessed- so thank you to those who have sacrificed some of their time in order to offer me something so meaningful.
All smiles and hugs from here on out, I have exciting plans for me, you, and this website.