Insta q&A: introducing your vanilla partner to kink.
“How do you go about bringing up kinks and fetishes to your SO, like if one person is really into BDSM or has a foot fetish, but the other might be completely vanilla”
Being a fellow kinkster, bringing up your kinks to a vanilla partner can be really intimidating. It can be scary because they may not be open to it, may think its odd, or are just naive to kink-but those are all things that can be worked through. The world of kink is can be very pleasurable, freeing, exciting, and a important part of your sex life if you have them. Every kink, big or small, can be brought up with the discussion below.
One thing to note before we delve into introducing your partner to kink is this- sexual preferences are like tastes in food. Not everyone is going to like what you like, and no matter what you do, they may never have a taste for it and that is completely okay. Although there is exchange of power in kinks and fetishes, no one should ever be FORCED into something they don’t want to do, period. People would be really surprised to learn that fetishes/kink is about communication, trust, compromise, and consensually pushing your limits. All kinks are not made the same, there are 100’s of different kinks and we don’t all like the same ones- as stated above, it is purely personal preference.
Now, you can really mess up introducing kink to someone, I know I have. My poor husband met me and I scared the living shit out of him. I had been well seasoned in kink for years, and it was and is a normal part of life for me. For example, I unloaded every kink, idea, and toy on my husband during a couple conversations and it overwhelmed him. He had previously dabbled in some kinks, but never had an encounter with someone confident in it. I decided to interview my husband since he wasn’t in the world of kink prior to me as a partner, and has amazing insight on how to introduce it to your relationship.
Julie: "How did you first get introduced to anything kink and how did it make you feel?"
Nick: “It was when I was about 19 or 20, a girl wanted me to tie her hands up and choke her, it was very light. I was a little taken back from it, and didn’t know what to think about it. I felt weird about it since I never considered myself to like that kind of stuff. I didn’t end up tying her up, it was just some light restraint and choking with my hands, since it felt a little strange."
Julie:"What reservations did you have about kink?"
Nick: “It made me feel uncomfortable because it was something new. I think any change scares people, people don’t really like change. But I think the biggest misconception about this stuff is doing something out of the norm. Obviously the first time you try this stuff you’re going to be nervous, its inevitable, you’re not going to be a master right away. The more you do it the more changes you’ll see in you and your partners comfortability. This ties in with real life scenarios, if you’re not open to change, your life is going to be very bland. Without change there isn’t room for growth in relationships and real life.
Julie: "How was a good way that someone introduced you to kink"
Nick: “Communication, it was nothing that was forced upon me and something that was always asked. It was brought to my attention, and it wasn’t something I acted on immediately, but I always kind thought about it, then I was the one to initiate it. It comes back to compromising, I had to ease my way into it.”
Julie: "How badly did I scare you when I showed you all my toys and kink gadgets? And thoughts on using them?"
Nick: “It was a little overwhelming. I was still in the rookie stage of kink, I kind liked it but I didn’t know what it was about. I was a little taken back until you introduced me to all this, I didn’t really know how to act since it was something you were so comfortable with but I wasn’t there yet. You never forced anything upon me, but I was curious.
Julie: "Were you like fuck, what do I do"
Nick: "Yes and no, its compromise: you aren’t going to like everything you partner likes. I like kink to an extent, and you like it more than I, but we compromise and find stuff we like to enjoy together."
Julie: "What scared you the most about kink?"
Nick: "Not knowing what to do! You’re going through this whole different type of play and its all new. You don’t know what to say, do, or act- you just have to do it. I obviously didn’t want to hurt you, and I didn’t know what was too much."
Julie: "Did I lead you in the right direction?"
Nick: "Yes, you let me know what was too much or too little, it was a lot of trust. I didn’t want to feel rapey/forced."
Julie: "Do you feel like trust is a key component in kink?"
Nick: "Most definitely. Trust and consent- always talk about it. Don’t ever throw in something to surprise your partner during the act, since during some kinks you could get the wrong idea of consent. You need to talk before hand to make sure your partner is comfortable. Kink relationships are deeper than normal, you have to really trust someone to do these things with you. They are fully invested in you, they are in the moment, and your safety mentally and physically matters. You could totally shut someone down if you ruin their trust, especially sexually."
Julie: "Has having a kinky partner made you discover some of your own?"
Nick: "Yes, I always had my toe dipped in the water. When you introduced me to everything it felt like too much, but taking baby steps helped me figure out what I liked. It opened me up to a new world of what I liked sexually."
Julie: "What kinks do you give but not receive?"
Nick: "For me, I like being in a dominant role, I love being on the giving end- choking, slapping, ect. That ties into kink being such a big word for a vast majority of things, its so much more complex than that. There are so many things to explore beyond what I have mentioned, and safely."
Julie: "Last takeaways?"
Nick: "The biggest thing is to see your partner feel good, and that makes you feel good. You aren’t always going to like everything your partner likes, but you will find stuff that you really enjoy doing together and thats where you get the biggest satisfaction. Don’t ever feel worried about letting your partner down just because you don’t like some of their kinks, you need to find that connection together and that makes it work. From foot fetishes to suspension, all kinks can be explored and talked about. Overall I think people need to be open to try new things, but not sacrifice what they are comfortable doing. Don’t do anything without consent or communication, and keep an open mind: You never know what you will truly end up liking without an opportunity."
Well guys, I have a pretty awesome husband to say the least. Although he isn't down with all my kinks, we have found ones we love doing together and are fully satisfied- which is the most important part. Let me know how you would all feel about doing an intro to light kink, and some fun beginners toys and tips! Message me through my insta @julietachiara to tell me how you got introduced to kink!