• Julieta Chiara

Insta q&A: introducing your vanilla partner to kink.

“How do you go about bringing up kinks and fetishes to your SO, like if one person is really into BDSM or has a foot fetish, but the other might be completely vanilla”

Being a fellow kinkster, bringing up your kinks to a vanilla partner can be really intimidating. It can be scary because they may not be open to it, may think its odd, or are just naive to kink-but those are all things that can be worked through. The world of kink is can be very pleasurable, freeing, exciting, and a important part of your sex life if you have them. Every kink, big or small, can be brought up with the discussion below. 

One thing to note before we delve into introducing your partner to kink is this- sexual preferences are like tastes in food. Not everyone is going to like what you like, and no matter what you do, they may never have a taste for it and that is completely okay. Although there is exchange of power in kinks and fetishes, no one should ever be FORCED into something they don’t want to do, period. People would be really surprised to learn that fetishes/kink is about communication, trust, compromise, and consensually pushing your limits. All kinks are not made the same, there are 100’s of different kinks and we don’t all like the same ones- as stated above, it is purely personal preference. 

Now, you can really mess up introducing kink to someone, I know I have. My poor husband met me and I scared the living shit out of him. I had been well seasoned in kink for years, and it was and is a normal part of life for me. For example, I unloaded every kink, idea, and toy on my husband during a couple conversations and it overwhelmed him. He had previously dabbled in some kinks, but never had an encounter with someone confident in it. I decided to interview my husband since he wasn’t in the world of kink prior to me as a partner, and has amazing insight on how to introduce it to your relationship.

Julie: "How did you first get introduced to anything kink and how did it make you feel?"

Nick: “It was when I was about 19 or 20, a girl wanted me to tie her hands up and choke her, it was very light. I was a little taken back from it, and didn’t know what to think about it. I felt weird about it since I never considered myself to like that kind of stuff. I didn’t end up tying her up, it was just some light restraint and choking with my hands, since it felt a little strange."

Julie:"What reservations did you have about kink?"

Nick: “It made me feel uncomfortable because it was something new. I think any change scares people, people don’t really like change. But I think the biggest misconception about this stuff is doing something out of the norm. Obviously the first time you try this stuff you’re going to be nervous, its inevitable, you’re not going to be a master right away. The more you do it the more changes you’ll see in you and your partners comfortability. This ties in with real life scenarios, if you’re not open to change, your life is going to be very bland. Without change there isn’t room for growth in relationships and real life. 

Julie: "How was a good way that someone introduced you to kink"

Nick: “Communication, it was nothing that was forced upon me and something that was always asked. It was brought to my attention, and it wasn’t something I acted on immediately, but I always kind thought about it, then I was the one to initiate it. It comes back to compromising, I had to ease my way into it.”