Yes, the big Taboo in our society- having sex with your friends
I was faced with some awesome questions recently:
- Is it possible to have healthy sexual relationships with someone casually?
- Is it possible that you can be just friends, and only friends, sharing sexual experiences together?
The answer to that is yes, yes you can.
As I sit here happily writing this blog, I think about my amazing sexual friends I cherish. Calling me to tell me about their dates, asking for love advice, or telling me they may have met their future wife. At the same time, we may plan a sexual playdate just as casually as coffee- isn't that beautiful?
I want you to break down your walls for just a moment. I want you to sit here and read this blog with an open mind, ignoring everything that you think you know about relationships. I want you to truly, truly think about a world where the relationships you want to have are possible- should you set the intentions and boundaries to have them in a healthy manner.
What they told you
We are taught in society that we are only supposed to have one partner, the one and only, and that partner has to be labeled as something more important than a friend. We see this commonly with the boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, significant other, whatever you want to call it. With this partnership comes exclusivity, or monogamy- which is totally awesome if that's what you agreed to! We see the friend as strictly platonic, with no wiggle room to express affection or attraction. We are not taught that sexual attraction can be a very normal thing to experience in friendships. So in the realm of love and sex, where does casual friendship sex fall? How can it even work?
I have been attracted to many friends in my life, even while in serious monogamous relationships. This caused me to have overwhelming shame and guilt for having intense sexual feelings for someone other than my partner. Although my early feelings of polyamory are for another time, there is still the stigma of having casual sex with your friends when you're single.
If you're having sex with your friends, what does that make you? Does that make you a slut? Do people wonder what label you two have? What would your friend group think of you? How are other people in your group connected to your friend? Is it frowned upon to have sexual contact with that person?
That's something that has always exponentially bothered me, because I don't feel that you need to have a label or intense underlying connection with someone to have an incredible sexual attraction and relationship with them.
Why in our modern world is it so inconceivable to think that two people can have sex without wanting anything more than that?
If anything, I felt that some of the healthiest, hottest, and easiest sexual relationships I have had in life have been with my strongest friends. They are people that know me, care about me, but know that there is a clear boundary as to where we stand in terms of our friendship.
Boundaries & communication
Friends serve to be there for you, to provide comfort, and lift you up. This isn't excluding the fact that you can have sexual needs and desires satisfied by a friend. In fact, there is something so refreshing about having sexual freedom with those around you. I don’t want to be the focus of your life, I don’t want you to be in love with me, and I don’t want you to be offended if I don’t want to make plans for my Saturday night.
With any relationship, its important to set clear boundaries and communicate your thoughts and expectations. There is nothing wrong with entering a sexual relationship with a friend, but you must be on the same page! In some ways I have felt its been easier to communicate my needs to friends, and be able to discuss our sexualities in a safe manner. Plus, there is nothing more beautiful to me than witnessing them being in their sexual element.
My sexual relationships are clear on many things, but the main points being:
We are not in a relationship
We do not owe each other exclusivity
We support each other in other relationships/ sexual encounters-our sexual connection does not alter our lives: No changing for each other, ect.
Our friendship comes first!
Being attracted to your friends does not mean they will all be attracted to you.
If you communicate your attraction to a friend, and they are not into it, do not force the idea- your friendship should come first. Just because someone isn’t sexually attracted to you doesn't mean they don’t love and respect you. There may be boundaries a friend does not wish to cross for a number of reasons, and it isn’t your place to hold your friendship over it either.
You must take rejection with gratitude and grace. It is unfair to have a false expectation and pressure in a friendship.
The Social Stigma
In many ways, I feel society finds this subject uncomfortable because they can’t imagine the people in their circle being openly sexual beings. There is still a certain uneasiness about being able to have functional sexual experiences with multiple people in the same circle, or doing it without the intention of dating/marriage. Or perhaps, many people have the false idea that you must owe people something- LOL. It took me years to sit here and tell you I've learned to not care what people have to say about me or my partners. I find that backlash from people is truly a reflection of their internal conflicts with themselves, and the passions they have that won’t be fulfilled with restrictive mindsets.
Here is the glory- It's no ones business but your own.
Thanks for reading into a snippet of my life, I appreciate my readers more than anything! Let me know your thoughts, feedback, and experiences with your sexual friendships via Instagram DM’S (@julietachiara)