• Julieta Chiara

Bisexual Probs: Exploring with Women.

If you haven’t read my coming out story, The Conflicted Bisexual, read that first before beginning on this blog. I’m proud to be bisexual, and proud to know that my sexuality can keep evolving as I continue on my journey. Although I feel very solidified in my bisexual status, particularly my attraction towards women, it wasn’t second nature at all. Once I knew I wanted to explore with women, I fell dumbfounded and intimidated when it came to making moves. In short, the majority of my life was conditioned and geared towards handling men, and women were very new territory. Even worse? I honestly had no one to relate to with this struggle, so here I am sharing it out for those of you who may feel lost plunging it to the other side.

The Young Bisexual

When thinking about my earliest thoughts towards women, something that stands out was a scene in a movie. Two girls kissed, and I’d never seen that before - behold, a lightening bolt feeling went through my body. From there on out, when I could get my hands on the internet without my mom being around, it was on. I would google girls kissing, or when YouTube became a thing I would find it. I was fascinated that girls could be with each other, and that evolved.

In middle school I definitely hit my experimental phase - my friends and I were all starting to explore our sexuality. A common theme between all of us was our liking for lesbian porn, and how we commonly preferred it over straight. While this is common for many straight women due to the porn being gentler, and focused towards female pleasure, my journey continued. I marveled that women could experience so much pleasure without a guy there and thought…. I want in on this.

My first experiences with women weren’t technically for me, but as a joke with my friends. We would kiss each other, make out, or grope each other during parties or get togethers with guys we liked. Sometimes it was from games like truth or dare, or simply to tease, but it was fucking awesome. I miss those days when everything was so fresh and new - remember when you could practically get off to making out with someone? Fully clothed? Those were the DAYS.

In theory, connecting with women seems easy.

Middle school and high school were filled with innocent play, and then I got into serious relationships with men. I’ll save you the fucking sob story, but in a nutshell: I was married, it was open that I liked women and had fooled around, and finally in a group sex scenario with my husband: I had sex with a woman. In that place, it felt very natural and safe - to be honest, I felt like my years of lesbian porn hoarding really helped me out. She wasn’t my number one pick when it came to sleeping with someone, but it fit the vibe and it flowed really well.

Post divorce, the floodgates were opened: I had all this freedom, and I could explore it with anybody. Where the fuck do I start? I struggled for a long time approaching new men after being with one guy for 4 years, let alone starting with women. I was told over and over again by peers that it was easy to connect with women for a number of reasons, mainly:

  • We know our own needs so we can better understand each others.

  • We have the same bodies which can make sex easier

  • It’s gentler energy.

  • Treat it as if you’re connecting with a man.

While there may be some truth to each of those points, I don’t agree with them. Our needs are very different. Having the same body parts does not make for guaranteed successful connection or sex. We are definitely not always gentle, nor do we want gentle. Being a submissive in BDSM, the last thing I want is someone who is gentle with me. Last but not least, treat the situation as if you’re connecting with a man: This is where I get super stuck. Why? Well, you’re about to read.

Ways I get stuck, and you might too.

How the fuck do I flirt or make a move.

Often times, I give people the advice of being honest and communicating. Clearly that’s a great idea, but I do believe in the element of letting things unfold naturally and not having to make things so serious. My struggle with women is my attempts are often seen as complimenting or super friendship vibes. I love flirting, I love teasing, I love anticipation: That’s a bit hard to do if the first thing I tell someone is “I’m communicating with you because I want to fuck you”.

I can make the connections, but not organically.

What I mean by this, is I best connect in a group setting. This could be a sexy playdate with others, foursome, orgy, etc. In many ways the guessing game is taken away and we can go straight to the sex. While this is fantastic, it does rob me of the opportunity to find women to connect with romantically, and explore that avenue. The 1:1 encounters I have with women are those who I originally met in a group setting, so I feel very comfortable and relaxed with our connection.

Sex still doesn't feel natural

I am totally going to make fun of myself here— I make things way harder than they need to be. Pun intended. I think many women can agree to having sexual encounters that were super sub par with guys, simply because they didn’t know their body well. My anxieties start with “Oh shit, what if I myself give that disappointing experience”. While I know this is very much in my head, and communication goes a long way, it’s still there. With communication, some laughs, and bringing in our fave sex toys & tongue techniques: The experiences have been wonderful.

Romance? Not yet.

I have yet to experience a romantic relationship with a woman, and many may say that disqualifies my bisexual card. It absolutely does not, just means it hasn’t been my time yet. Although, the idea of being romantic with a woman is indeed very exciting.