4 Ways to Strengthen Communication in Kink


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Successful kink can rarely happen without proper communication, which is why it’s so important to stay “on top” wink wink of it! At the very root of good kink, we gotta get comfy with asking for what we want (and don’t want) so I’m here to help. Here are 4 of my favorite tips to help create intimacy & safety when communicating during your kinky adventures.


The Desire List


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The desire list is a little trick I use as “homework” that both partners can do. Think of this like a lil’ business meeting where you both write an extensive list of your desires as an individual, and then swap lists with your partner. This way you can look and see where there are desires that align, and can be practiced. You can also see what additional desires deserve a conversation or spark curiosity from the other - this will help you better understand each other. Plus, you now have a descriptive list of desires that can be used for future dates and activities!


Remember, do not pass judgement on desires - we are not kink shamers in this blog. Desires are simply desires, and doesn’t mean they need to be immediately acted on.

Pre-Play Convo

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I’ve been there - you’ve found something new, kinky, and exciting to do with your partner but you’re so nervous about the turnout. While it can seem anti-climatic to have a “discussion” about it beforehand, it’s very much needed (and sexy). I absolutely love setting up a pre-play date where we cover some important bases like:


  • How are we both feeling today in this present moment?

  • How are we feeling about the new kink we want to try?

  • What are some hopes and expectations we have for it?

  • What type of support does each person need in regards to the kink or their current state?

  • Think closely if anything can make the experience better before starting. For example, maybe you want to buy some mood lights to create a fun ambiance for the kink.

This creates a wonderful foundation of safety before starting any play, and understanding where each person is at.

Break the Ice


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If you find yourself being shy in expressing your desires (or asking someone theirs), playing a little game can help us loosen up. When exploring kink, we need to be very solid on expressing what we want & need (and putting boundaries in place) but I totally see how this can be daunting: Behold, the massage game!


I learned the massage game from a friend named Rita during a massage party we had on my Barcelona rooftop. The game is so simple, yet genius: You are each taking turns massaging each others back & neck to practice expressing your desires and putting boundaries.


As your partner massages you, practice telling them….

  • Where to put their hands

  • How hard or soft you want them to be

  • When to back off from a spot

  • When to move to another part of your back.

As the giver, practice…

  • Asking them how they are feeling

  • Asking where it feels good for them

  • Asking if they wish for a change of spot or intensity

  • Asking what you can do to make the experience better

This simple game is a great warmup pre kink play (or any sex really) to get you vocal and confident in getting what ya want.

Post-Play Lovin’



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Physical after-care is super important in helping both parties feel safe & integrated after a kinky sesh, but so is the emotional. I like to go back to #2 on this list and do a fun wind down where you open space for each other to talk about your experience.

  • How are we both feeling today in this present moment?

  • How did we each feel about the kinks we tried

  • Did the kinks meet our hopes and expectations?

  • What type of support are you needing in this moment?

  • What were your favorite parts of the kink? What would you change in a future session?

This can be done in the loving embrace of your partner as you both cool down from some steamy times.


Communication on fleek.

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When we strengthen our communication, we strengthen our connection and ability to go deeper into trust and pleasure with each other. These communication skills, alongside more of my tips & tricks can be found in my online beginners kink course Discovering Kink. In this course, I help beginners learn how to ethically practice kink while giving you 40+ ways & video tutorials on how to integrate different methods into your bedroom. I’m excited to have you there!


This blog was published on ASN Lifestyle Magazine May 2022 Edition! It's an honor to work together and to be featured in premier lifestyle publication.

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